That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
