why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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