The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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