I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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