It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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