Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
