Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
we're so committed to being not committed
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
