some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
