If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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