I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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