i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
