i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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