Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
