Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
