Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
