I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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