And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
