there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
