my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
