Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
