no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Say something about gay babies.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
