It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
