i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
