end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
