I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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