I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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