My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Shame - the story of my life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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