just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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