I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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