and you said cock pushups were impossible
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
