I cockslap morals
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
