Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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