Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
