he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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