It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
