if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
