she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
