Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
