i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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