Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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