im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm always down for nudity.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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