i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
