im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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