and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
