I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
