Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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