Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
