My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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