Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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