hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
