You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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